//SigChanger V1.1.0 - Variable signatures % One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. % If Windows is the answer, it must have been a stupid question. % One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. % Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. % Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. % "And this, Wesley, is an airlock. Care to step in?" % Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. % If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? % Over the centuries, mankind has tried many ways of combating the forces of evil...prayer, fasting, good works and so on. Up until Doom, no one seemed to have thought about the double-barrel shotgun. Eat leaden death, demon... -- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett) % Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!! % Thousands of years ago Cats were worshipped as Gods. Cats have never forgotten this. % Bill Gates named his company after his penis. % -- You know you are addicted to the Internet when... #060 As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button. % The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. % "Bother!" said Pooh, as he found out his tribble was pregnant. % I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. % I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. % That seems to point up a significant difference between Europeans and Americans. A European says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with me?" An American says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with him?" -- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett) % If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? % I am Locutus of the Borg. This tagline is irrelevant % "Energize!" said Picard and the pink bunny appeared... % "Windows 95 - a 32-bit patch to a 16-bit GUI for an 8-bit operating system for a 4-bit processor from a 2-bit company that can't stand 1-bit of competition." % 'Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.' % The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure. % Social life???.... Where can I FTP that file from? % -- You know you are addicted to the Internet when... #013 You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. % Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. -- Lily Tomlin % "Smith and Wesson - the original point and click interface" - [vvv]Darkseid-[D!] % Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy. % If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? % Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. % Windows isn't CrippleWare -- it's "Functionally Challenged". % 'Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense' % Unable to open TROUSER.ZIP - replace floppy and retry % I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. -- Winston Churchill % 'Hurhurhur, 2400 baud sucks' - V.bis and Baudhead % Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine. % 'I can resist anything but temptation.' % 'I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.' % Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. % 'I hate quotations.' -- Ralph Waldo Emerson % 'I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.' % 'No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'' -- Dr. Who % 'Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat, though.' % 'The Computer made me do it.' % 'the' is a registered trademark of Microsoft Corporation % A critic is a man who knows the way, but can't drive the car. % A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? % A husband is what is left of a man after the nerve is extracted. % A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. % "God created the world in six days. On the seventh day he also decided to create England... just to try out his Practical Joke Weather Machine." % A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. % A modest man is usually admired; if people ever hear of him. % A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. % A short cut is the longest distance between two points. % AAAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse and Ambiguity. % Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. % Adult, n.: One old enough to know better. % aibohphobia, n., The fear of palindromes. % Al Gore is proof that Tennessee has a sense of humor. % All extremists should be taken out and shot. % All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. % An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. % An optimist is someone who thinks the future is uncertain. % An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. % Annoy the IRS: Fill out your tax form using binary % Are you a Klingon, or is that a turtle on your head? % As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. % BACHELOR: A man who never makes the same mistake once. % Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. % BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) % Beam me up Scotty. This isn't the men's room. % Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego % Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it. % Bend the facts to fit the conclusion. It's easier that way. % Black holes suck! % But I thought YOU did the backups... % Buy Land Now. It's Not Being Made Any More. % Cat, n.: Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. % Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. % Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. % Coming soon: Windows for Nintendo! % CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)? % BREAKFST.COM halted . . . cereal port not responding! % Dachshunds are really small crocodiles with fur. % Database administrators do it with their relations % Destroy the Borg? Upload Windows 95 ! % BORG spreadsheet program: Locutus 1-2-3. % Did you know that SATAN is an anagram for SANTA? % Disk space -- the final frontier! % Documentation; The worst part of programming. % Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? % Dogs crawl under gates, software crawls under Windows. % Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. % Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. % Drive A: not responding.. .Formating C: instead % Drive defensively. Buy a tank. % E=MC^2.. I'm not fat! I'm energetic! % Error in operator: add beer % Every instructor assumes you have nothing to do but study for his course. % Everybody should believe in something: I believe I'll have another drink. % Expert, n.: Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. % For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good tagline next time ... % Gone crazy, be back later, leave message. % Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't. % Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. % Gravity is a Myth. The Earth Sucks! % Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. % Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. % I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. % "When the President does it, that means it is not illegal" - Richard Nixon. Former US president. % Some people say less is more, No. More is more, and too much is never enough. % If speed kills, then Windows users may live forever. % VirusScan: MS Windows found. Delete? (Y/y) % Knock firmly but softly. I like soft firm knockers. % If at first you don't succeed, create an "NT" version. % Don't hate yourself in the morning, sleep until noon. % Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. % If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. % A penny saved is ridiculous. % Unanswered Question 15: How many miles to the gallon do you get with Dilithium Crystals? % Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. % "A man who lives only to benefit himself, confers on the world a benefit when he dies." - Tertullian. % Don't let your mind wander, it's too little to be let out alone. % A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. % The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. % A bad day: "Transfer completed (5720468 bytes, 1 CPS)" % A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. % Nixon's Principal: If 2 wrongs don't make a right, try 3. % The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. % The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. - Merrick Furst % --- (0 0) Kilroy was here ----------------------W--U--W------------------------------ % What is biker foreplay? "You awake, bitch?" % "I didn't get where I am today by...." -CJ, in The fall and rise of Reginald Perin. % The mechanic said I had blown a seal. I said, `Just fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, OK?' % He who throws dirt loses ground. % Windows booting: insert CD-ROM 2. % MAKE -n -s MY.OBJ $DAY.C PUNK.ASM % A computer without a Microsoft operating system is like a dog without bricks tied to its head. % Heisenberg might have been here. % A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun. % A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth. % Above a condom vending machine: For refund insert baby. % With a rubber duck, one's never alone. - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy % "Intel Inside" Is a Government Warning Required by Law. % This tagline SHAREWARE. Send $5. % Paranoia: A healthy understanding of the nature of the universe. % College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come. % Macintosh: A mac is designed for the inexperienced computer user, made large so that it can't be accidentally inserted in the rectum, and with rounded edges in case somebody manages to do it anyway % It is impossible to fully enjoy procrastination unless one has plenty of work to do. % Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" % If Yoda so strong in force is, why words in right order he cannot put? % If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? % WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger % WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet % WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file % WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong % WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused % WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive % WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware % WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments % WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened % WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full % WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB % WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More! % WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside % WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside % WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened % WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers % WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside % WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside % WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ? % WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of. % WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore. % WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! % WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry. % WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that. % WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate. % WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code. % WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. % WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers. % WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost. % WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again. % WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue. % WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded. % WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? % WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure. % WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available % WinErr 6de: CD Rom driver missing. Please insert disc labeled "Windows 98 CDRom". % Windows Error #05: Nonexisent error. This cannot really be happening % WINDOWS: Weak Interface, Notably Decreasing Overall Working Speed % Windows is a colorful clown suit for DOS. % Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. % Become a gynacologist, look up a friend today. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You kiss your girlfriend's home page. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... And even your night dreams are in HTML. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot." % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... All of your friends have an @ in their names. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... Your dog has its own home page. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 17" inch svga monitor. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You refer to your age as 3.x. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You don't know what sex over three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You actually try that 123.elm.street address. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... Your virtual girlfriend finds a new net sweetheart with a larger bandwidth. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher." % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see it while you are pretending to catch your breath. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You forget what year it is. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You start tilting your head sideways to smile. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net". % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited." % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You turn on your computer and turn off your wife. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... The remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... You create a homepage with the impression to cure the afflicted...but your hidden agenda is to receive more e-mail. % You know you're addicted to the Internet when... Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged on in two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISPs access number. You try to humm to communicate with it. You succeed. % Q. Whats' the difference between a Playstation game and a turd? A. It takes more effort to release a turd. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord 1: My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 2: My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 3: My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 4: Shooting is not too good for my enemies. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 5: The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 6: I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 7: When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No." % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 8: After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 9: I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 10: I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 11: I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 12: One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 13: All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 14: The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 15: I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 16: I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 17: When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 18: I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 19: I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 20: Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 21: I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 22: No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 23: I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 24: I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.) % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 25: No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 26: No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 27: I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 28: My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 29: I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 30: All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 31: All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 32: I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 33: I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 34: I will not turn into a snake. It never helps. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 35: I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 36: I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 37: If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 38: If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 39: If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 40: I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 41: Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 42: When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 43: I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 44: I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 45: I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 46: If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 47: If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 48: I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 49: If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 50: My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 51: If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 52: I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 53: If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 54: I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 55: The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 56: My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 57: Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 58: If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 59: I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 60: My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 61: If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 62: I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 63: Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 64: I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 65: If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 66: My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 67: No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 68: I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 69: All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 70: When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 71: If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 72: If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 73: I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 74: When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 75: I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 76: If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.) % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 77: If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 78: I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical." % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 79: If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 80: If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 81: If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 82: I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 83: If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 84: I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 85: I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button." % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 86: I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 87: My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 88: If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 89: After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 90: I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 91: I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 92: If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.) % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 93: If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 94: When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 95: My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 96: My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 97: My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 98: If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 99: Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 100: Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 101: I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 102: I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 103: I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 104: My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 105: I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 106: If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 107: Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 108: Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 109: I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 110: I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 111: I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 112: I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 113: I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 114: I will never accept a challenge from the hero. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 115: I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 116: If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 117: No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!" % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 118: If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 119: I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 120: Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 121: If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 122: The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 123: If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 124: Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 125: Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 126: Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 127: Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 128: I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 129: Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 130: All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 131: I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 132: Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 133: If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 134: If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.) % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 135: My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.) % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 136: If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 137: Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 138: The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 139: If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.) % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 140: I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 141: As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 142: If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 143: If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 144: I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 145: My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 146: If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 147: I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 148: Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 149: Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 150: I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet". % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 151: I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 152: I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 153: My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 154: I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 155: If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 156: If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 157: Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 158: I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 159: If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 160: Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 161: I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 162: If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 163: When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 164: I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 165: As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 166: If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 167: If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 168: I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 169: If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 170: I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 171: I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 172: I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 173: Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 174: If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 175: I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 176: I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 177: If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 178: If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 179: I will not outsource core functions. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 180: If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 181: I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 182: I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 183: Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 184: I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British). % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 185: If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 186: I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 187: I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 188: I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 189: I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 190: If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 191: I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 192: If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 193: If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 194: I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 195: I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 196: I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 197: I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 198: I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 199: I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 200: During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 201: All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 202: All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 203: I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 204: I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 205: All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 206: When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 207: Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 208: Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 209: I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 210: All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 211: If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 212: I will not send out batalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 213: I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 214: If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.) % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 215: If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 216: If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 217: If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 218: I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 219: I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 220: Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave." % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 221: My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate. % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 222: I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!" % Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: 223: I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals. %